Last week I decided to go to a dance class. When I decided to go my mind started spinning out this low level hum of “Should I go? I don’t know. Should I? I’ve missed all the other classes and this is the last one.” I tried to ignore that but it went from low level to kind of high pitched with that. Finally, I asked myself, “Do I really want to go?” The answer was very much YES. That got rid of the high pitched whinging from … somewhere within me.
On the day of class this other part of me kept throwing out reasons not to go. “I’m tired. I’m overstimulated and this will just push me over the edge. It’s too close to dinner.” I kept going about my day and listening to these words moving through me trying to discourage me from something I was sure I wanted to do. As it got close to time to leave for class, I puttered too much on the internet, didn’t get my food done in time, and was eating something I’d never cooked or eaten before. That voice said, “See, really, you shouldn’t go.”
I got my stuff together and got in the car. Looking at the clock I knew I’d be cutting it close. Real close. As I drove, I hit every single stop light plus a couple extra-slow-left-turns-from-the-right-lane vehicles. I rationalized that if I got my car parked by 6pm I would still go to class, but if I got there later I would just turn around. I watched every single minute change over on my car’s clock, and with each change, I tried to re-estimate my arrival and whether or not I would go to class. At about 5 blocks away I almost had myself convinced to turn around right there and go home.
Instead I met each stop light, which was red, with a little more resignation to lateness. Instead I passed by the police cars pulled into the alley near the theater and thought, “Of course. Today is the day that something goes down in this neighborhood.” By this time, I felt like the goal was to just pass through any and all of these exceedingly minor but persistent obstacles and get to class. I parked my car, opposite yet another police car with a recently arrested person inside. When I got to the doors of the building where class is held, they were locked. I was looking in through the glass at the class stretching up on the stage and hearing again that voice, “Just turn around. Go home.” Right then someone came through the lobby and let me in.
Class was great. I had a lot of fun and felt great afterwards. I was so glad I made it.
But the question that ran through my head the rest of the night and that still bothers me is, what voice was that that didn’t want me to go? That voice sounded a lot like my intuition at one level. Intuition generally operates at a quiet level, and this got quiet after I made a definitive decision. Now I wonder though…those police cars and the recently arrested person sitting in the back of one of them. What if that voice WAS my intuition but it wasn’t trying to keep me from going. Just slow me down enough to avoid parking my car in the midst of a police event.
So what I thought was going to be a post about intuition versus inertia, turns into an interesting question about an aspect of my intuition.
I’ll have to write about intuition versus inertia some other day.
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