My son was in his room. He and his dad had stopped by before they left for a week-long vacation without me. I was stirring a lot of emotions about this little family and how it’s different now and how I longed to be going on vacation with them. I was a tempest ready to happen, but I didn’t want to bring that down on my son or his dad.
I walked into the room and saw my son turning on his computer. He thought he had time to play Minecraft because he misunderstood something I’d said the night before. When I told him he didn’t, I knew my tempest would be tested. He got sullen and cranky. While he was busy feeling all the poor-me emotions about not getting to play Minecraft, I was racing around inside my heart plugging up leaks so I could contain a potential emotional storm. I sympathized with him, while my heart broke for its own selfish reasons because of this stain on our parting. I wanted light-hearted and good wishes and silly hugs. I was going to get sad-face and anger and frustration. And with his outbreak, I wanted to have my own, to swirl out all my sadness, frustation, anger, and resentment.
Instead I joked about feeding him. Instead I talked about the dog eating bugs gathered at the back porch light. Instead I asked if he was excited.
He hugged the dog. His face moved from barely contained tears to more relaxed. He gave a half-hearted laugh about the giant bugs I had to knock off the doorway. Then he told a knock-knock joke.
I could not have shifted this moment without the help of years of self-reflection, studying non-violent communication, and an amazing amount of restraint. I am grateful for the inspiration that other parents who write blogs bring with their knowledge, wisdom, mistakes, and resources that they share regarding empathic listening. I am thankful for the teachers at my son’s preschool who taught me how to meet a child’s anger with understanding and allowing. The techniques–empathic listening, non-violent communication, reflecting, mirroring–are all invaluable in my life. I certainly wish I was more skilled at them, but I give myself some space and allowing for working on it as I go.
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